Alexandru1988

It's been quite some journey in the last 2 years. Today I went back to read once the post from August 2020 and recalled how I felt, how it felt back then writing those words. I got emotional and had an instant flashback of what happened before and after that moment.

Since then I know now that I allowed life to happen more than before. And the surprise is that life started happening in a different manner. Don't expect any tales about spectacular expeditions or breath-taking experiences. What happened seems strange but doing the same things as before I rediscovered the joy, the peace and the "filter" I had when I started taking photos, when I was just a 16 year old kid. I realised that taking photos actually found me rather than the other way around. Also, I realised that the "filter" was always there, inside of me, and it's up to me to chose it or ignore it.

In October 2017 someone dear asked me what I want and I answered: "I want to see colours again, everything I see is grey and dark.". It took me almost 5 years of hardship and my own resistance towards myself but I offered this to me every step of the way with small gifts, which are my own personal victories with myself. Until recently I had the illusion that I have to win life by defeating my shadow. I was very convinced of this until this week when due to a set of strange events I got the message - the shadow was, is and will always be there.

And it is perfect in this imperfect manner as it is.

The question that followed me throughout the years and especially recently was "are you brave enough to create your own life?" ...And I always hesitated. I went from courageous to fearful, from involvement to desperation, from active to passive, from aggressive to depressed. All of this again and again. I know now that life is very patient with me and offers me all the chances I need.

I told someone dear in a conversation recently "I don't know what will be but I know that I must do what I feel is right regardless of the consequences. I know that I must do this in all the aspects of my life and I know that I will succeed. Life always helps the courageous ones."

I don't know where that came from and I find myself saying things that seem out of my normal self. I can only tell you that I am happy that I am receiving this kind of guidance and that I am choosing to follow it.

The same goes for this post, I don't know why I decided to write it but I just know it feels right. I still have things to do and steps to take but I guess that's just how life is. For whoever reads this, I guess it is an invitation to be courageous in your own life and do the small things you feel are right for you. I am constantly failing at this every day but I have nothing else to do but thank for the opportunities I receive and try again and again.

I hope you will do the same.

I leave at the end of my favourite symbols, the serpent that is eating its own tail - Ouroboros

Alex

I think I was very tired to see that old post with "back" from 2012. I was never back for real, it was never true. Although I wanted it to be. I guess that we are all under construction every day, but not all of us realize this. It just took me longer to get it.

I've had a lot of time to think in the last months with COVID and all its implications. Few of the questions:

Am I still the same kid that started posting deviations in 2006?

I don't know. There's a part of me I do recognize and I still see the same pattern but things for sure changed. When I started this in 2006 I was so eager about life, I wanted to explore everything and it all felt like an adventure. I got to meet some great people here on dA, live some great moments, take some nice shots along the years.

Am I completely different person?

Not really. For many years I thought I grew up and become someone else. I actually forgot to look into the mirror for real. That kid is still there with all his faults and qualities.

What actually happened since 2011, 2012?

I wanted to grow up. And I had a false illusion that grown ups have it all figured out. I've tried to desperately to fall in place according to other people's standards and forgot almost everything that I wanted for myself. There was a lot of hurt and anger that I kept inside until it almost completely took over my life. Don't get me wrong... I've successfully managed to get the tasks (big, small, life changing, etc.) done under all circumstances which actually made me even more unhappier. I thought that's what people are supposed to do - get tasks done, one after the other, over and over again.

That's why I couldn't take photos anymore. I was so angry at myself and at the world as a whole that I could not even see what was around. It was like a journey with my eyes closed.

Last year I took some decisions to change things for the better - I thought that there were going to be minor changes but I ended up changing most of the patterns of my life back then. Some got changed for the better, some were just guided by anxiety and hurt and got changed anyway with no actual control.

As my eyes started to open up and as things got more clearer, I started to feel sorry, ashamed, angry... and I think you all know that saying: first it has to get worse for things to get better. But now I have also good days were I can keep by eyes open and actually don't feel that bad with what's around.

What's next?

I have no actual plan with regards to photos other than documenting the journey. I have to do a lot of talking with myself and taking photos could be a bridge for those conversations. I am hoping that this task of talking to myself will not end up making me unhappy like all the others. I know that the photos are not actually of an artistic quality but it does not matter. They might not be perfect or artistic but that's not their mission.

I guess I really wanted to change that old post.

To whoever reads this stay safe and stay true to yourself!

Alex